Nadia

I have only enough savings for one more car payment.  I have sent so many resumes and have yet to have even a call for an interview.  Today I woke to the sound of my job phone line ringing.  I let it go to voicemail so I could hear the message and then call back.  While I waited for the voicemail notification, I planned in my head what outfit I would wear to the interview and tried to think of the best time to schedule it.  But then the voicemail came and it was just someone selling insurance. 

I am getting desperate.  I hate this feeling.  I am a really good, hard, dedicated worker when I am in a job, but have never had any luck getting a job.  That is why I usually end up in places that hire 30 people at a time.  Not sure what it is.  What kind of vibe am I sending out in my resume? 

There are a lot of issues going on right now in my family, and I could use the job just so I have something else to do during the day but worry.  But mostly, it is the money.  I am really scared.  I do not want to lose my car.  I want to work. 

The unfairness of the world really gets to me at times like this.  I feel like I have always tried to do the “right thing”.  I have always played by the rules, even when breaking them would have made me much happier.  Yet here I am, almost 30, living at home, with no job and no one.  Yet, one particular person in my life has always done the wrong thing and put herself first at every chance.  And things always just work out for her.  She got a high paying job with no education and did not even appreciate it.  The whole time she was at work she would play games and complain about how awful her boss was for telling her not to do so at work.  She was given a very nice place to live with highly discounted rent, but treated it the same way.   Always complaining it was not big enough and saying little things like a loose screw on a light switch cover were signs that is was not taken care of and such.  There are many more examples, but like I said, the unfairness just really gets to me when I am this down.  I just want to grab her and shake her and scream to her to at least appreciate all the gifts she has been given in life and realize that she is lucky. 

I am just wishing and hoping and praying that things will turn out soon.  But it has been five months.  What can happen in the eleventh hour?  

Going to go Tae-Bo now.  I hope it can at least relieve some of the stress and anger I am feeling. 

@($U)(@$)#P*)#(  Man, I messed up and I am really ticked off at myself. 

I started getting back on track like I promised and surprisingly got to bed and the next day got up and exercised and counted calories.  I was really surprised about the sleep thing, as I had been going to bed anywhere from 6-8:30 AM, so to go to sleep at 1 AM seemed like it would be much harder.  Nope.  Anyway, the next few days some messed up situations appeared which prohibited any real exercise, but I kept up the better sleeping schedule and counting calories. 

Well, today the scale showed a .6 gain, but I mostly shrugged it off, knowing I had only had about 6 hours of sleep and such.  Still, though, it is always in the back of my head.  I am mad at my new scale because I spent a while trying to find one that would display weight by .1 instead of .2.  When I finally got one it took me some rewiring(ish) to get it working and I have to shake something in the back of it to get it to work everytime.  Now, I may be losing and gaining weight evenly, but so far all the weights have ended evenly, leading me to think it measures .2 like the rest.  Very disappointing considering the search and issues to realize I could have just gotten any of the others. 

Anyway, there has been an extremely stressful thing happening in my life and it all came together (in a bad way) this weekend.  It was not unexpected/unplanned, but it was still really hard to deal with.  The coming weeks should also prove difficult with it, as well.  Today was beyond stressful.  Not only did I have (to have) lunch at a fattening restaurant with no nutrition information (I hate that hate that hate that!) but when I got home I just wanted to put sweats on and go to sleep.  I tried to calculate out a generalization for the calories but basically gave up and knew that the one unsatisfying meal I had had would have been over all of my calories today.  So fine.  I was actually quite hungry, which is not a terribly usual habit, but committed to just not eat again for the day.  It kept popping into my head, “just go get some pizza, the day is ruined anyway”, “you might as well have some ice cream now”, “anyone would understand if today was a gimme”, et cetera and I kept hitting them down.  But in the end, someone else baked me something by surprise and put it in front of me and I ate it.  I ate it all.  Probably like another whole day’s calories worth.  I could have disposed of it without anyone knowing and without hurting feelings, but I did not care.  I could have eaten half or some and saved or thrown out the rest, but I did not care.  Ugh.  So mad at myself.  And now I am sitting here with my stomach pressing against my size 12 jeans and bubbling over the top and am so disgusted. 

I guess I can fight off temptation, but only to a certain point.  Or my emotions got the best of me and I shut them up with pepperoni.  Tomorrow is a new week and hopefully I will be able to be positive then.  Tonight, I am just mad at me.  No one else to blame! 

I have feared I was gaining weight for some time and started noticing my bellybutton becoming harder to see.  I kept telling myself to get back on track, but had a lot of excuses, and a general “tomorrow I will, today I will eat” mindset.  A few days ago, my stomach starting aching at a baseball game and I wanted to curl up and sleep.  I thought it was the heat.  When I got home and changed into my sweats, I realized my stomachache was a case of jeansnolongerfit.  Ouch.  The size 10 jeans I worked so hard to fit into.  Today, my new scale arrived and I was determined to get onto it and face the truth in numbers.  When I opened it, though, it did not work.  Tried the battery a few different ways and then hunted down another one (those little flat disc ones) from my key fob.  Still, no luck.  So I ripped that sucker apart and readjusted the little circuitboard until the scale finally gave up.  It probably sensed that I had no real idea what I was doing, but was sick of the probe, so it finally spat out some numbers.  I was scared (still am a bit), when it weighed in at 257 (and nothing was on it) and then 133 (again, nothing on it), so I reset the battery and it went back to zero.  I do not mind if the ghosts use my scale, but after all of my frustration, let me take my turn first!  Anyway, 161.6.  Not good at all.  I was scared of 175, though, so it was a bit of a relief.  I had gotten down to 149 (and exactly 50 pounds lost!), so now I have 12 pounds to get back to the starting point.  I can do it, though.  I know I can, and it serves me right for becoming a sloth.  Time to take my life back.  At the end, those size 10 jeans whose zipper I almost busted out with my stomach will be as loose to me as my original size 14s are to me now. 

Tonight, bed by 1.

Tomorrow, day starts with a full glass of water and something decent for breakfast.  Then exercise.  I love exercise.  I have the resources, I just need to do it.  It is like water-I usually dread drinking it and then when I do it is like yumyumyummoremoremore.  Tae-Bo is the same way.  I hesitate for so long and go into it kicking and screaming.  Then I kick and punch in it and am always disappointed when it ends! 

I will track my calories and my weight daily.  This is going to happen. 

Things are kind of rough right now.  No job and almost out of savings.  Definitely have gained 10-20 pounds.  I have been really bad with water and not counting calories (and consciously eating over my calories almost every day).  My hang ups with getting started again are:

1. Water-I know it is essential to drink lots of water and it has always made a positive difference for me.  The tap water here is essentially undrinkable, so I usually by bottled water.  I found this $15 bottle with a filter and was so excited about it, but after drinking from it the first night (about an hour after), my tongue tasted awful.  I rinsed and rinsed and the same result the next two times.  Very disappointed. 

2. Exercise-The main thing stopping me from exercising is because I keep waking up late because I keep staying up late.  Nothing to blame but myself-not sure why I am being so destructive that way. 

3. Weight-I need to weigh myself everyday.  I understand it is different for a lot of people and can be a very detrimental habit to many.  It keeps me on track, though.  If I know I will not be able to weigh myself for 2 days, I somehow tell myself it is okay to “blow” today and I will make it up tomorrow (which never happens).  When I decided I wanted to get back on track, my scale worked for a day and then quit.  I was very frustrated because I had spent over $50 on it originally.  I searched the manual, bought new batteries, checked on forums, and talked to tech support.  Even though it had an error code displayed, they gave me a “yeah, it is probably broken”-type answer.  Gee, thanks.  Anyway, then went the investment into a new one (did I mention no job?) and then waiting for it to come in, and so on. 

It has been almost a year since I really was losing weight.  I have had a lot of bad and good things happen.  I am in a very stressful time right now.  I have sent so many resumes, and have had no response at all.  I am running out of savings.  Three family members are going through things that are highly stressful.  I lost another pet.   

So, lots of excuses but time to actually get back on track here.  I have to write it out or I stop being accountable.  If I write it here, I feel like I am making a promise to “you” and would disappoint “you” if I fail.  I should care more about disappointing “me” than “you”, but it is just not the case.  My new scale arrived today, so I am going to go weigh in now (my weight always shows higher in the evening) so that tomorrow’s morning weigh-in will not be as much of a shock.  Tomorrow is day 1 (version 18 ;)).

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