Nadia

There are certain things which will pop into my head every once in awhile. They can appear and just as quickly disappear, or they can linger for a bit of contemplation and then I will hide them away. Where will I put them? I do not know. Somewhere far away, but they come back from time to time.

I am lonely. So lonely. Usually it is okay and I kind of live for today and figure tomorrow things will change. But from time to time the thought comes into my head I am not a very young person and I have no friends. I mean no friends. I do not know if I ever will. This thought comes and I cry and cry and wonder and think of reasons and excuses but nothing definite. And then I lock it away into that far place and hope it will be some time until it comes back into my head.
I do not have a “man” in my life, and am not sure if I ever will in the future. I could play the “out-of-a-long-relationship” card in my head for a good deal of time, but that time has passed. I realize it is not like I am against relationships, I just have not had any “offers”. I would feel a bit uncomfortable if I started getting close to someone right now because I am not happy with my life and there are a lot of things I want to change or complete before that. But time keeps moving on. So I put that into the far away place.

No one knows me. No one. I am a different person to everyone I meet, and for every group I know, there are four or five majors pieces of me which I hide or straight out lie about. I sometimes almost suffer identity issues from all the secrets I keep about myself and it is hard to keep track of what I have told whom. People at my work no nothing about my personal life, my family does not know what I do for a living or about my marriage, et cetera. No one really knows all of me. I am private, but like any secret, it always feels good to get it off your chest to at least one person. But I do not have anyone whom I trust enough. So off it goes into the safe.

There was a very traumatic event that happened last year. I put it away immediately before I can think too much about it.

I live with my mother now and we are fine with each other, but she did some terrible things when I was younger and even when I was not-that-much-younger and I still have not forgiven her for them. But instead of forgiving, I forget them instead and put them in the back.

My marriage failed. I tried and there were things I could or should have done. And there were good things and bad things about the divorce. A lot of what pops up and I put back have to do with negative things about my ex. I often push them away and only think about the good things, which I guess is good, but then I feel it was all me, which it was not. But there is no point in dividing blame now, so I put it away along with all the immense hurt that the breakup caused me.

I once was justifiably evicted. I did the wrong thing and knew it everyday and just could not bring myself to make things better. This is something important to remember and to learn from, but I can not deal with it, so away it goes.

I think about death and disasters _a_ _lot_. Not about taking my own life or anything like that, but just like “What was the last thing I said to my sister in case I get into a crash? /// If I have a heart attack today I will feel bad that I am still fat for the funeral. /// If I fall on the ice, will my mom be overwhelmed with expenses from services? /// I will feel bad that I never uploaded my pictures if the house burned down today” et cetera. I do not think that it is normal at all, but such things never stay in the far away place. They constantly pop up. 5-6 times a day.

I had a really bad year. It changed me in probably some pretty bad ways. It hardened me. Pretty much everything about that year goes far away and no one knows much at all about it, except the basic parts.

Why did I type all this out for only myself and strangers to see? Because they all popped into my head at once tonight out of nowhere at all and it was overwhelmingly sad and I just had to get it out.

I have a feeling I should see a therapist to work through a lot of things, but have no idea where to go or how to go about it or how much it would cost. At least my water is back on.