Nadia

Yeah, right.  Not today!  So, I have my period.  What an awful time to be crampy, boaty, and headachy.  :(  It is my one day off and I had planned on using it to establish a presentation for work.  I also have an interview on Monday for a promotion I need to prepare for and figure out what to wear.  But I am in no such mood.  I just want to sleep.  Someone wake me up in a week. 

I did end up buying the car.  I feel good about it, but still have doubts.  This week is going to be a big one, even with this stupid period.  I have a presentation to give at work, as well as 2-3 “plans of action” and a sort of just letter to my peers.  They are all things I am doing outside of my job requirement without request, so if I do not do them, no one will ever know, but I will.  I also have that interview.  I also have finally got some help for my days so I can actually work more hours a week.  Working more hours a week also means more Y time, which I really need.  I have not been on track for a while now.  It sounds so cliche, but this coming week could be a week that changes the rest of my life.  No pressure there, huh?

Okay, my mother always had a theory that bad things happen in threes.  I think I may be onto three good things, though.  I mean, this week and next could forever change the course of my life.  More on the first thing another time, and the second is going after a promotion.  The third, though, should happen tomorrow.  I am buying a car.  It is a big deal.  I was very very excited about it until someone joked that sure you are excited until you sign the paper and then excitement turns to car payments.  It really got to me.  Am I making a mistake?  I did plenty of research and have needed something safe and reliable for a long time.  But with things not going perfectly in the economy is it responsible at all of me?  I do not know.  I was so excited and so ready and now I am worried that I should back out of it.  What if, what if? 

I made a spelling mistake on my last entry and it is driving me crazy.  Is there any way to go back and edit it?  Aaaaahhhh(!)

Well, today I woke up feeling like garbage.  I had to get up early to get my rental and I had a terrible time falling asleep because I was afraid I would have nightmares of my car accident again and again.  Luckily, such was not the case.  Anyway, little sleep, early morning, et cetera.  My head was killing me and suddenly my neck hurts so much if I move my head.  I thought it might be from the way that I slept.  Got back from renting and thought there would be no way I would last seven hours until class and then class and then work, so I justified going back to sleep.  I am glad that I did, because I felt it did refresh me a bit.  I really could have used the time for a lot of things, but they all would have been at 50% anyway.   When I woke, though, my head and neck were still hurting.  I took some pain pills but to no avail.

I decided, to my chagrin, to skip kickboxing class.  I had already scheduled it out of my time at work and so, for some reason, I went to the movies.  I am a little mad at myself for this.  I really need the hours at work and told myself 1 movie for every 5 gym visits, but was only at 4.  It was not like a movie I really wanted to see or anything, and I was the only person in the 200-seat theater.  Anyway, I guess I just did not think I could handle a whole day at work.  I wanted my half day.  I justified it as I needed to relax.  ha.

 ”So convenient a thing it is to be a reasonable creature, since it enables one to find or make a reason for everything one has a mind to do.” ~Benjamin Franklin

Tomorrow, I am going to go to a doctor and get a second check on my head and make sure my neck is just a temporary pain.  I have lived a life of presuming things will work themselves out healthwise, but so much of my pay check goes to healthcase stuff, so I guess I might as well go even though it is still a $25 co-pay which seems pretty harsh.

I usually am pretty good with my money, but so many things came up out of nowhere this month.  Vet bill-$200, old dentist bill I did not realize I had-$300. YMCA membership renewal-$400, car rental-$300.  Seems like there was something else.  For someone who gets $300 a paycheck that really bites.  That does not include any of my medical bills and am really worried I will need the car rental for more than a week, and if I do not, I will need to get major repairs on the car.  It is very frustrating.  I can not stand going to my job more than I have to.  It is not like I am an exotic dancer or something, I just feel my job is very demeaning and soul-sucking.  Thank goodness for credit cards, I guess.

I hate when people do not say thank you.  I mean, they do not even have to mean it, just say it.  I do not mind, like, opening a door for someone and they do not say anything or little things like that.  But a few weeks ago, I made up a care package for a friend.  I mean, I went to the store and picked out certain things thinking of him and packed them all up and decorated the box and such and sent it away.  I was a bit concerned when we were chatting online about two weeks after sent that it had not gotten there.  So I just said, “Did you get my package?” and he was like, “Oh yeah, I did not open it yet”.  It has been another week and I have not heard anything from him.  All I wanted was a little “Thanks!” or “Aww” or “Get Lost” in an e-mail.  Is that really so much to ask?  I usually thank people for every little thing, so I guess bigger things I just kind of expect it.  Maybe it is a guy thing.  Kind of makes me less likely to do it again in the future for him or anyone else.

So I was driving today and my car hit some icy slosh and I lost control of it.  I was grabbing the wheel both ways and had my foot to the floor on the brake, but to my horror, the speedometer continued to climb.  Then, after I had crossed over both lanes and approached the guardrail I screamed so hard and grabbed the emergency break.  It did not do anything.  I slammed into the guardrail and luckily sort of bounced backward off of it.  (The other side of the guardrail was a large cliff ending in another stretch of highway.)  Probably has to be the scariest moment of my adult life.  Anyway, I am okay.  I slammed my head pretty hard into the front bar of the car because the airbags did not deploy and the seatbelt did not clench up.  It hurt really bad and still really hurts although the doctor said I did not need a scan and that I would be okay.  I would have liked to have a scan just to be safe, but I guess I will see how I feel in a few days.   It was a really lucky day.  It could have been much worse.  Someone could have hit me when I was crossing the lanes or I could have hit someone or that guardrail could have not held.  I was so terrified when I grabbed the emergency break and kept going at full speed.  I had no hope that the guardrail would hold.  I thought for sure I was a goner.  I have a lot to think about.  I have a feeling that a lot will change in my way of thinking over the next few days.

Tomorrow I have my third kickboxing class.  I am enjoying them even though they seem much more like aerobics classes than kickboxing.  I still do not know how to measure my heart rate really.  When I stick my finger on my neck it goes like ThudThud-ThudThud so is that 4 or 2?  Heh.  Maybe I will get there early tomorrow and ask the instructors.

Also, I have not weighed or been food-responsible in about a week now.  There have been a lot of issues, sort of emotion-related.  Tuesday was also my birthday which did not help.  I feel like I should have accomplished more in my life at this age.   Anyway, that is all for now.

So, I went to my first ever exercise class tonight in the form of kickboxing. It was a lot more aerobic than kickboxing to me, but anyway. . . I was nervous/excited about it. The class started at 5:30, so I made sure to be ready for 5:20. I did not want to come in and really stick out and have everyone turn and look at me. Anyway, when I went at 5:20, there were a bunch of guys playing basketball, so I realized I would not be able to go in early. I went back to the locker room and stood in a bathroom stall and started shaking and was all panicked and nervous and such. I am not sure why I was so very scared. Anyway, I returned in 10 minutes and the guys were still playing basketball, but there were some girls over in the corner. I asked them if they were there for kickboxing (which is huge for me, because I am terribly shy and very much a speak to only when spoken to type of person), and they said yes. So, I waited around in the corner like a wallflower until the instructors came in. I was glad to find the class was all women, and some of them were pretty heavy. It is mean, but it is nice to not be the heaviest one there. Anyway, they were not exactly the friendliest bunch, but the class was pretty good. I will definitely do it again next week. I feel that I got a great workout of it, and did my best to get really into it and to push any thoughts about anyone else out of my head while there. I did come across two issues, though. I was going to stay after and ask the instructors, but I did not.

1. I bought some cute new sneakers, but on the gym/basketball floor felt like I was going to slip or slide and this unfortunately held me back from giving my all to a lot of the moves. Can anyone tell me what to do to the shoes to prevent this?

2. The instructors came around at one point and asked us each for our heartbeat. I had no idea what to say, so I just said I did not know, sorry. She asked if I felt like I worked hard or if I could work harder, and I said both. How would I find out what my heartbeat is? I am not sure if she meant like fast or slow or regular or irregular?

I love the Y showers. I hate that the curtain does not quite close, but the water pressure is amazing and it is so nice and hot. I was terrified after joining the Y to try the showers because I figured it would be one room with no dividers and a dribbling of cold or lukewarm water. The hot, full shower is like this excellent reward for a good workout. I look forward to sweating to have an excuse for the shower heh. Probably can not justify the length, but hey.

So, I was on a bit of a high going into work. I knew that I had done the class and done great and mostly kept up with everyone else for a full hour with only one 10 second water break when going to the cool down toward the end. Of course, no one at work knew anything about it. I felt content with this little secret of mine. I was happy and in a good mood.

The thing is, though, I hate my job. Now, do not get me wrong, I know a lot of people would love to just have a job and a lot of people hate their jobs. I hate when someone says in a newsflash-type way that people should have jobs doing things they enjoy. Wow, Einstein, what a revelation! Anyway, I have come close to quitting several times. I mean, so close the one time that I had a whole letter typed up and spellcheck had popped up for someone’s last name after I clicked send on the e-mail. Right then, there was an announcement that was made that changed a lot so I cancelled it. There have been other close calls, all ending similarly. I was thinking it was sort of like a fate-thing, because there is always something that pushes me back in when I am so close. Anyway, today was one of the hardest days/nights at work. It was so short-I was only there like two hours, but I was so upset just at the job itself and the fact that I am still there and in the same position. I knew if anyone came over to me and asked me what was wrong or even what time it was, I would lose it. No one did. I just hate it so much. I get in my car every day and think and think to try to find some reason to get out of going. I often cry on the trip there, although I suppose I am a pretty emotional person regardless. I always take a deep breath before swiping my security card, because I know what is on the other side of the door, and I do not want to be there.

I have a performance review on Monday with my manager. They have already announced that no one will get raises or bonuses this year, but I am really worried that I will not be able to keep a straight face/attitude when talking to her and will start bawling and/or telling her how much I hate it there. She keeps saying this new position will be opening that I will be perfect for, but that was supposed to happen in December. I do not know how many more days I can handle this.

Exercise Log

I have done a very bad job over the last week. What started as going over my calorie limit by 200 went on to become about 5 days of eat everything in sight because it is already ruined mentality. There were a lot of “reasons”. Time of the month, two parties, family, homemade goodies without labels, et cetera. No water, closest thing to fruits and vegetables was potato chips. . . Et cetera. Anyway, no good reason that is for sure. Over the week I had pretty much all of my bad foods. Doughnuts, chocolates, chips, pizza, ice cream, breadsticks, and more. The sad thing is I know so much better. I know better options or how to budget so I can have these things when I want them. Oh well, no more regrets for this. Forward, forward. Beyond everything else, now I am almost 5 pounds gained in a week. As yucky as that is, that also means it is going to take a long time to get to weight I set to look at the new clothes I got. Phooey phooey phooey.

Tonight I go to my first kickboxing class. It took me forever to sign up. I really hope I enjoy it. I am extremely nervous and scared. The class started weeks ago and I am starting halfway in, so I am the new girl in class which really terrifies me. I have always been shy and hate attention. But I could not make myself wait until the next one starts in March-I always put things off. I also asked the Y lady if the class was for beginners and she said that it is “intense” to which I almost just said oh, okay and walked away without signing up but I did not. What does that mean?? I want intense, but am really worried I will have a hard time keeping up with the class and do not want to humiliate myself and not want to go back. I could really use this class!

I have never been to any kind of exercise class at all. Any pointers/advice/clue from anyone else for me as to what to expect or do?