Nadia

So, I went to my first ever exercise class tonight in the form of kickboxing. It was a lot more aerobic than kickboxing to me, but anyway. . . I was nervous/excited about it. The class started at 5:30, so I made sure to be ready for 5:20. I did not want to come in and really stick out and have everyone turn and look at me. Anyway, when I went at 5:20, there were a bunch of guys playing basketball, so I realized I would not be able to go in early. I went back to the locker room and stood in a bathroom stall and started shaking and was all panicked and nervous and such. I am not sure why I was so very scared. Anyway, I returned in 10 minutes and the guys were still playing basketball, but there were some girls over in the corner. I asked them if they were there for kickboxing (which is huge for me, because I am terribly shy and very much a speak to only when spoken to type of person), and they said yes. So, I waited around in the corner like a wallflower until the instructors came in. I was glad to find the class was all women, and some of them were pretty heavy. It is mean, but it is nice to not be the heaviest one there. Anyway, they were not exactly the friendliest bunch, but the class was pretty good. I will definitely do it again next week. I feel that I got a great workout of it, and did my best to get really into it and to push any thoughts about anyone else out of my head while there. I did come across two issues, though. I was going to stay after and ask the instructors, but I did not.

1. I bought some cute new sneakers, but on the gym/basketball floor felt like I was going to slip or slide and this unfortunately held me back from giving my all to a lot of the moves. Can anyone tell me what to do to the shoes to prevent this?

2. The instructors came around at one point and asked us each for our heartbeat. I had no idea what to say, so I just said I did not know, sorry. She asked if I felt like I worked hard or if I could work harder, and I said both. How would I find out what my heartbeat is? I am not sure if she meant like fast or slow or regular or irregular?

I love the Y showers. I hate that the curtain does not quite close, but the water pressure is amazing and it is so nice and hot. I was terrified after joining the Y to try the showers because I figured it would be one room with no dividers and a dribbling of cold or lukewarm water. The hot, full shower is like this excellent reward for a good workout. I look forward to sweating to have an excuse for the shower heh. Probably can not justify the length, but hey.

So, I was on a bit of a high going into work. I knew that I had done the class and done great and mostly kept up with everyone else for a full hour with only one 10 second water break when going to the cool down toward the end. Of course, no one at work knew anything about it. I felt content with this little secret of mine. I was happy and in a good mood.

The thing is, though, I hate my job. Now, do not get me wrong, I know a lot of people would love to just have a job and a lot of people hate their jobs. I hate when someone says in a newsflash-type way that people should have jobs doing things they enjoy. Wow, Einstein, what a revelation! Anyway, I have come close to quitting several times. I mean, so close the one time that I had a whole letter typed up and spellcheck had popped up for someone’s last name after I clicked send on the e-mail. Right then, there was an announcement that was made that changed a lot so I cancelled it. There have been other close calls, all ending similarly. I was thinking it was sort of like a fate-thing, because there is always something that pushes me back in when I am so close. Anyway, today was one of the hardest days/nights at work. It was so short-I was only there like two hours, but I was so upset just at the job itself and the fact that I am still there and in the same position. I knew if anyone came over to me and asked me what was wrong or even what time it was, I would lose it. No one did. I just hate it so much. I get in my car every day and think and think to try to find some reason to get out of going. I often cry on the trip there, although I suppose I am a pretty emotional person regardless. I always take a deep breath before swiping my security card, because I know what is on the other side of the door, and I do not want to be there.

I have a performance review on Monday with my manager. They have already announced that no one will get raises or bonuses this year, but I am really worried that I will not be able to keep a straight face/attitude when talking to her and will start bawling and/or telling her how much I hate it there. She keeps saying this new position will be opening that I will be perfect for, but that was supposed to happen in December. I do not know how many more days I can handle this.

Exercise Log