Nadia

It has been a week and a half since I had my CAT scan and I still have not been giving results.  My parents are sure that if the results were bad, I would know right away, but I picture them sending the results somewhere else for analysis and all sorts of things.  I am very stressed.  It is not just that.  I can not go to the Y or kickboxing or even do Tae-Bo at home until I know I am not going to mess up my head (further?), so unfortunately I have turned down a path.  Can not exercise?  Might as well eat any junk I can find.  I can not explain it.  I guess it is emotional eating.  Anyway I keep eating and eating and lots of junk.  The weight gain is apparent on my legs, tummy, and face.  I look in the mirror and do not recognize my face at all.  It is 20 years older than I am and covered in stress and worry.  Fat around my cheeks and chin.  I look at my face and I hate myself for letting myself start to get back to old ways and habits.  I hate that it has caught up with me.  If something terrible comes from this cat scan, that haggerly face is what my family will have to look at at my funeral and have to try to remember past it to who I was.  I feel uglier now than when I weighed almost 200 pounds.  I just want to hear that everything is okay and get back to working out.  I am getting back to eating right now, but working out really reiterates that for me.

At work, I got some sucky news.  I basically was told I got this promotion and got all excited about it, but then things changed and now I am still “fighting” for it, amongst two others.  I would have been sort of okay with that, but thinking I had it really messed me up.  Anyway, now I am in basically a 6-week job interview/competition.  I am fighting for it.  I want it so much because it would mean my current job would be gone.  I really hate my current job.  Anyway, it is very stressful.  It feels like the Apprentice or something.  I already went through three (five if you count pre-) interviews for this job.  It is not that great of a job, at all.  I do not think it is even a pay raise.  But still, it would not be my current job and that is what counts.  But when I am there, the other two women are very unfriendly.  I try really hard to be friendly with them-if for no other reason than being stuck with them for six weeks.  I guess they see it much more as they have to appear as the “leader” and they are just all miserable people with each other and myself.  It is a shame, because the one woman and I had worked together before in good harmony.  Oh well.  I guess things change.  So the stress of competing and trying to stay positive while having killer headaches and incredibly expanding blubber (like space jelly!) and thinking I could be in grave medical danger and thinking if I say the wrong thing or do not say enough could cost me to go back to my behated job and so on. . .I am just not dealing well.  I have been crying a lot lately.  The trip to and from work is excruciating because it is time with just myself and my thoughts.  Who needs that?  The music can only go so loud and never loud enough to cover my own mind.  I really hope I can look back on this six months from now and remember a small rough patch.  I hope I will be looking back at it, healthier and thinner and with a much better job.  I hope I will be happy.  I hope I will still be here.

I went for my cat scan today and am kind of freaking out.  It only took about four minutes and I guess even that is very scary to me-the fact that my whole life rests on four minutes.  The thing is, I was having head “issues” a long time before my car accident, but never got around to going to the doctor for it.  I do not think the car accident really changed anything, except giving me a reason to go to the doctor.  Anyway, I am really scared of what it might be because my headaches have gotten to be 3-4 hours long 2-3 times every day.  And they are so intense.  So, if there is not something wrong, then what would it be?  But if there is something wrong. . .it feels like the end of it.  It feels like it is consuming me.  I am terrified they will tell me they found something that has spread too far or such.  I do not want to die. 

In other news, I ended up getting a promotion at work to a job that I do not think I will hate.  In a way, that is awesome, but in another way it makes me think of, “She was just starting to get her life back on track.  She had lost some weight, was eating healthier, exercising, had a new job, a new car. . .”  :~(  

Friday, after I could not get any control over myself, I went to see a doctor.  I realized that half of the emotions were because I have had such bad headaches lately which just will not go away.  Anyway, the doctor was so much better than some of the ones I have had to deal with in my life. 

 Then the bad news.  He told me that it is not normal for headaches to get worse and worse and more frequent after a head injury.  He said usually it is the other way around.  He was concerned.  So, I am to get a cat scan on Monday which I have to reschedule because I have my big work presentation.  And just how am I going to be able to present anything to anyone with thoughts of cat scans in my head?  :-/  

He also prescribed me some pain killers for my head.  I took one today and was worried when it did not seem to kick in after about 20 minutes.  It never really seemed to after that, either.   It was about 3-4 hours until my headache subsided a bit.  :(  I am really worried that something is really wrong with me.  I also am going to continue to hold off on kickboxing class and any cardio until I get my cat scan results.  I basically have to, but would have loved to run before my presentation to blow off some steam.  :-/

So, I was a bit surprised at just how disappointed I was yesterday about not getting the promotion.  I am more surprised, however, at how upset I still am today.  It took me forever to get out of bed and I just can not stop crying.  I keep stopping and asking myself why it matters so much, but have no answers but tears.  I guess all of this time I have been telling myself that yes, I have a terrible job and I hate it so very much, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel.  At least it is with a good company, and when I am in a better position, I will be glad I stuck through the minion work.  But when I was turned down, I do not know, I guess it was like
“You will never get higher up.  There will always be someone better for the job.”  The hard thing is, I went through the same basic thing about 6 months back.  At that time, I was not expecting much but was told out of 35 people I was one of the final 3.  That excited me and I was disappointed when I did not make it, but knew “next time”.  This time, I was told the same basic thing, out of 30 I was one of the final 5.  In a way, I would have rather heard, “You had no shot in Hell” than “You were really close”.  I just can not get past the disappointment.  Not necessarily of knowing that I did not get a better job, but knowing that each and every day for months and years to come I will be dreading going to work.  And, if I ever want to get past it, I will have to go through the 3 interviews in 3 days with like 9 people thing again.  And next time, who will be the others I am up against?  The worst part is that the reasons that were given to me had absolutely nothing to do with interviewing at all.  It was basically a tenure thing.  So, if that was honest, why bother putting me through all that or the other people?  I just am so upset, and should not be, so I am upset that I am upset.  I feel so lost and am worried I am going to slip into some kind of depression or something, because I can not remember the last time, aside from my divorce, where I felt so down without being able to regain my composure for so long. 

So, I had some good things happen over the last few days.  I finally got my new car and it is very exciting and wonderful.  I also found a solution which seems to be working for a medical issue I have had for years and years.  When I finally faced the scale after a long time of slacking off, I found only about 3 pounds damage which was a very nice sort of miracle/second chance.

Aside from all of that, though, I had a bad day.  I was up for this promotion at work and did not get it.  After a regular interview, you usually get to go home and hear about it a few days later.  At this one, I just had to go back to my regular job and hope and hope I had made enough of an impression to be able to have it changed.  It was only about an hour later that I was given the bad news and I took it hard.  I was so overcome with disappointment and really felt that I had let my manager down, because she had such high hopes for me.  Anyway, I have a terrible headache and just keep crying.  This weekend I have to see my mean sister and I am not looking forward to it.  I also have a lot of studying to do for a possible job change which I really do not want, but would be better than what I do now.  :-/

I really noticed a change in my appearance when I had my suit for my interview.  The blazer fit fine, when it used to be popping buttons, and the pants were way way too big.  I used a belt on them, but my belt is now too big too and there is no hole where I need it.  It was extremely frustrating when I was getting ready with no money to buy new clothes, but pretty neat to think about now.