Nadia

Today has been a long one, indeed.  I had the day off from work, so I started my day by sleeping in.  I was a little regretful of that when I saw what a gorgeous day it was outside.  After I got my act together, I decided to go for a drive to get some coffee.  It was so sunny and I had the windows down and enjoyed the wind going through my hair.  I felt the sun as energy and vowed to take advantage of sunny days this year, as I always think I will and then end up staying inside mostly the whole spring/summer.  I do not really know what I was thinking.  I do not have friends.  I do not do outside things.  Exactly what would I do outside?  But anyway, maybe walks or something.

When I got home, though, the very sunshine that lifted my spirits when I was in it, depressed me quite a bit when I got inside.  There is just something about being inside when it is nice out and realizing time goes by so quickly and so on and so on. 

 One thing led to another today and I ended up finding a batch of stuff from high school, as well as my 2007 New Year’s Eve note.  I used to always write a letter to myself about the year to be opened and replaced the next year.  I did not do one this year.  When I found the old one, it made me sad that I had not done it again because it is really interesting to see what was important to me and what I have forgotten and such. 

Going through the school stuff was hard.  I did not go through it very thoroughly but it helped me realize that a lot of things I thought about my childhood and later excused as a teenager’s view/imagination were actually right.  I was a troubled kid/teen, for sure.  Looking back on things I wrote, I remember them but also wonder where those thoughts came from at 15 or so.  A grade sheet was in there.  I could not tell what class it was from, but it was something like 100 100 98 100 43 100 100 105 96 66.   Is it just me, or does that automatically scream that something is not right?  I found a paper I had written and the one passage had a teacher’s comment of, “What does love mean to you?”  Throughout the paper, I was saying this one person loved another and s/he wrote that there and a long thing at the end of the paper saying it was very obvious in the story that this was not love and such.  It is hard to see.  I remember what was going on in those years.  It was not easy.  Those things changed who I am as a person and it just sucks to realize that yes, they were there, and I was not just imagining it or overexaggerating in my head. 

It also makes my age very real.  Some of the things I looked at, I did not even recognize.  That forces me to realize that what feels like yesterday was 10 years ago.  A third of my life so far has gone past in the time since. 

I have had the house to myself for a week and have done very little to take advantage of it.  The week is almost over and I hate that I did not do more, but I guess work took a lot out of me this week. 

I have been good with my calories and the scale has reflected this.  I did not get much exercise in, but hopefully once my schedule evens itself out, I will have time for the Y.  It seems like every day I have an extra hour before and/or after work that I did not have the day before.  I like the hours and am okay with the job for now, but just need some consistency. 

I have never been a big fan of eating anything connected to a bone, but today I decided to try KFC’s new grilled chicken.  To be honest, I assumed the breast would be boneless, because it usually is.  Anyway, it was not, but boy oh boy was it good!   Probably high in fat and sodium, but with like 190 calories, I was quite impressed.  Mmm so good.  Yummy, yummy!

I was just looking through some pictures and realized I was 158 in January.  Ugh, I am 162 now.  I knew my habits and things were messing with me, but I guess I had forgotten I had been lower and under that 160 mark.  I am going to push and get this done.  I have to write it here, because it really helps me feel accountable and stick to it.  I guess we will see.

I hate that tomorrow is Monday.  I worked today so it seems unfair that the work week is “starting” tomorrow.   It is sure to be a long week.

Last week at work, I overcame an incredible amount of obstacles.  The thing is, if I had not, everyone would have known.  Because I handled them all, no one will ever know.  That is kind of disappointing because I handled them well and want to show off and want everyone to say, “Oh my goodness that happened and yet you made it seem seamless?!  Wow!”  But, alas, no one needs to know and I will not tell anyone.  *sigh*

I feel really alone in my job right now and feel like I am being set up for failure.   There were (quite a few) people who did not think I should get to where I am and now that I am there, they are not working with me like they would anyone else.  They have put me in a position where it is like my hair could be on fire and no one would mention it to me. . .I would start to smell the smoke and ask if anyone smelled that and they would say no. . .then I would look in the mirror and notice the flames and ask is my hair on fire? they would say yeah and I would ask why no one had told me. . .they would say they figured I would find out in time.  I then would ask for a fire extinguisher and they would all act like they could not hear me and walk away.  And then I would burn to death.  :/

Scan results were clear.  That is good.  Great, even.  I want to get back on track and make a lot of my life.  I have been self-sabotaging lately.  I get to weekends and stop counting calories because of family, but then go deeper by not only not counting but deliberating a bunch of junk.  It is like I think I am invincible on weekends, or that once I mess up my calories, I have a strike and 100-2000 calories all count the same because it is over my allotment.  Obviously, that is not the case.  I would like to get to a point where I am not strictly counting on weekends, but I obviously do not have the strength to do so at this point.

After doing fine on Friday and then for no real reason at all piling on tons and tons of chocolate and cheesecake and such, I decided wow you suck and Saturday decided to do good again.  Saturday night, right on with calories and then did the same freaking thing.  The whole time I am yelling at myself and thinking stop just stop no more no more!  But to no avail.  I do not understand me.  It waS bad.  Both days.  I am not much of an emotional eater and I just do not get it.  Anyway, Sunday when I woke up, I grabbed a Tae-Bo video.  It has been months, or maybe even a year and a half if I think it through, since I have done Tae-Bo.  I really enjoyed it when I used to.  I was disappointed when the video started and I realized I had grabbed the instructional one.  I was hoping to work out and remembered the instructional video as a boring, slow thing.  It was, but I found it crazy challenging in its own right.  I am sure when I start doing the real ones, I will be grateful I did the “preview” to get back into the hang of it.

It is weird, but when I used to do Tae-Bo like every day or every other day, I weighed at least 20 pounds more.  Right now, even though I am lighter, I am much less fit.  I get very winded very quickly.  I realized this a few days ago.  I had thought it would be fun to run up this short little road (about a block) and barely made it.  I tried it again with the same result a couple of days later.  With the 40 minute instructional Tae-Bo, I barely made it through.  There was barely anything fast.  It was mostly do 1,2,3 then stop for like a minute then do a simple punch three times again.  Yuck.  Practice makes perfect to get me back, I guess!

Stress has been high lately.  I realized my finances are barely getting me by.  I have no room in my budget for anything but my car, gas, insurance, and my storage.  It bothers me that I have no savings.  It bothers me that I do not have a place of my own.

I thought getting a promotion would help, but it has not.  I did not get a raise with it because our company is in a bad position right now.  I have about 3 extra hours a week, but that barely amounts to an extra $15/week after taxes and stuff.  My hours of work outside of work have gone to probably 10-20 more a week.  I mean, I have so much stuff to work on that I can not possibly get done at work but need to do to keep my position.  The position I have is not even really mine.  I am still competing to keep it.  I have no idea if I am doing enough.  I know that I am stressing out so much about it and definitely working as hard as I can.  I know that I am having nightmares every night about it regularly.  I also know that if I have to go back to my old (”current”) job, I am very likely to quit or just cry and cry.  Today I had to go in and do some of my “old” work because of a bunch of stuff and I was only there for 4 hours and just thought I would lose it.  How can I ever go back?