Nadia

Scan results were clear.  That is good.  Great, even.  I want to get back on track and make a lot of my life.  I have been self-sabotaging lately.  I get to weekends and stop counting calories because of family, but then go deeper by not only not counting but deliberating a bunch of junk.  It is like I think I am invincible on weekends, or that once I mess up my calories, I have a strike and 100-2000 calories all count the same because it is over my allotment.  Obviously, that is not the case.  I would like to get to a point where I am not strictly counting on weekends, but I obviously do not have the strength to do so at this point.

After doing fine on Friday and then for no real reason at all piling on tons and tons of chocolate and cheesecake and such, I decided wow you suck and Saturday decided to do good again.  Saturday night, right on with calories and then did the same freaking thing.  The whole time I am yelling at myself and thinking stop just stop no more no more!  But to no avail.  I do not understand me.  It waS bad.  Both days.  I am not much of an emotional eater and I just do not get it.  Anyway, Sunday when I woke up, I grabbed a Tae-Bo video.  It has been months, or maybe even a year and a half if I think it through, since I have done Tae-Bo.  I really enjoyed it when I used to.  I was disappointed when the video started and I realized I had grabbed the instructional one.  I was hoping to work out and remembered the instructional video as a boring, slow thing.  It was, but I found it crazy challenging in its own right.  I am sure when I start doing the real ones, I will be grateful I did the “preview” to get back into the hang of it.

It is weird, but when I used to do Tae-Bo like every day or every other day, I weighed at least 20 pounds more.  Right now, even though I am lighter, I am much less fit.  I get very winded very quickly.  I realized this a few days ago.  I had thought it would be fun to run up this short little road (about a block) and barely made it.  I tried it again with the same result a couple of days later.  With the 40 minute instructional Tae-Bo, I barely made it through.  There was barely anything fast.  It was mostly do 1,2,3 then stop for like a minute then do a simple punch three times again.  Yuck.  Practice makes perfect to get me back, I guess!

Stress has been high lately.  I realized my finances are barely getting me by.  I have no room in my budget for anything but my car, gas, insurance, and my storage.  It bothers me that I have no savings.  It bothers me that I do not have a place of my own.

I thought getting a promotion would help, but it has not.  I did not get a raise with it because our company is in a bad position right now.  I have about 3 extra hours a week, but that barely amounts to an extra $15/week after taxes and stuff.  My hours of work outside of work have gone to probably 10-20 more a week.  I mean, I have so much stuff to work on that I can not possibly get done at work but need to do to keep my position.  The position I have is not even really mine.  I am still competing to keep it.  I have no idea if I am doing enough.  I know that I am stressing out so much about it and definitely working as hard as I can.  I know that I am having nightmares every night about it regularly.  I also know that if I have to go back to my old (”current”) job, I am very likely to quit or just cry and cry.  Today I had to go in and do some of my “old” work because of a bunch of stuff and I was only there for 4 hours and just thought I would lose it.  How can I ever go back?