Nadia

Today has been a long one, indeed.  I had the day off from work, so I started my day by sleeping in.  I was a little regretful of that when I saw what a gorgeous day it was outside.  After I got my act together, I decided to go for a drive to get some coffee.  It was so sunny and I had the windows down and enjoyed the wind going through my hair.  I felt the sun as energy and vowed to take advantage of sunny days this year, as I always think I will and then end up staying inside mostly the whole spring/summer.  I do not really know what I was thinking.  I do not have friends.  I do not do outside things.  Exactly what would I do outside?  But anyway, maybe walks or something.

When I got home, though, the very sunshine that lifted my spirits when I was in it, depressed me quite a bit when I got inside.  There is just something about being inside when it is nice out and realizing time goes by so quickly and so on and so on. 

 One thing led to another today and I ended up finding a batch of stuff from high school, as well as my 2007 New Year’s Eve note.  I used to always write a letter to myself about the year to be opened and replaced the next year.  I did not do one this year.  When I found the old one, it made me sad that I had not done it again because it is really interesting to see what was important to me and what I have forgotten and such. 

Going through the school stuff was hard.  I did not go through it very thoroughly but it helped me realize that a lot of things I thought about my childhood and later excused as a teenager’s view/imagination were actually right.  I was a troubled kid/teen, for sure.  Looking back on things I wrote, I remember them but also wonder where those thoughts came from at 15 or so.  A grade sheet was in there.  I could not tell what class it was from, but it was something like 100 100 98 100 43 100 100 105 96 66.   Is it just me, or does that automatically scream that something is not right?  I found a paper I had written and the one passage had a teacher’s comment of, “What does love mean to you?”  Throughout the paper, I was saying this one person loved another and s/he wrote that there and a long thing at the end of the paper saying it was very obvious in the story that this was not love and such.  It is hard to see.  I remember what was going on in those years.  It was not easy.  Those things changed who I am as a person and it just sucks to realize that yes, they were there, and I was not just imagining it or overexaggerating in my head. 

It also makes my age very real.  Some of the things I looked at, I did not even recognize.  That forces me to realize that what feels like yesterday was 10 years ago.  A third of my life so far has gone past in the time since. 

I have had the house to myself for a week and have done very little to take advantage of it.  The week is almost over and I hate that I did not do more, but I guess work took a lot out of me this week. 

I have been good with my calories and the scale has reflected this.  I did not get much exercise in, but hopefully once my schedule evens itself out, I will have time for the Y.  It seems like every day I have an extra hour before and/or after work that I did not have the day before.  I like the hours and am okay with the job for now, but just need some consistency.