Nadia

Well, I went to the barbecue.  It took a lot of talking myself into it and I almost backed out again and again and again even 5 minutes from the event.

It was not at all like I expected.  I never should have went.  I am glad I went only for the fact that if I had not, I would have had an ideal vision in my head of what it was.  It turned out to be a very very umm relaxed thing.  I am just not the type of person to relax while people I do not know pee onto a tree and things.  It is just not me.  I was uncomfortable for the right reasons.  I did not know anyone there for two hours, so I figured I gave it enough of a try and left.  Right while I was leaving, someone I knew was coming, but I had made my mind up by then.

It was way beyond my comfort zone, but I managed 2 hours which I feel is pretty good.  Unfortunately, I need work on my socializing comfort zone, not my JeffFoxworthyTalkedAboutThis comfort zone, but hey. . .baby steps.

On work days, I have breakfast and then force a dinner when I get home even though I am rarely hungry.  I usually have to be creative to get all of my calories in.  On my days off,  I am just the opposite.  I get so hungry and plan and plan and eat all my calories and then justify eating up to or past maintenance calories.  I guess I am just so busy at work and on my days off I just have time to think about food and it is right there.  Anyway, this weekend I was soooo hungry after I got my calories in and I thought and thought about having about 500 calories and argued for and against it with myself for 2 hours.  Finally, I went to bed and did not eat it.  It was so worth it in the morning when I found I had hit my mini goal!

I had set my mini goal for 154 because of BMI, but apparently I had calculated wrong and need to be 150 before no longer technically being “overweight”.  I can do four pounds.  Very exciting that I am that close.  Hey, it is just a term, but even when I look at the fat on my arms and legs and of course my belly and know that I am not considered overweight anymore, it will be even more motivation to firm up.

I was invited to a barbecue this weekend by a co-worker.   I am not terribly close to said co-worked, but it was nice he included me.  I want to go, because I am terribly anti-social, but do not want to be.  I am scared of it, though.  There will be people I know there and people I do not know, but no “friends”.  I have never been to such a thing by myself.  Should I bring drinks or something?  :(  I am so worried I will end up talking myself out of it.

Yesterday at work, my former boss came over to talk to me and said I looked “skinny” and asked if I was “working on that” or something to that effect.  I thanked her and said yes and left it at that.  I definitely am no where near “skinny” or “thin”, but it was pretty cool she noticed I had lost weight and said something.  Nothing at all from anyone for 40+ pounds, and then 2 in a week.  I think my other boss might have mentioned it to her because of how oddly I had reacted when she had brought it up earlier, though.  Either way, it made me happy and I felt good.  A few hours later, though, I felt like I was spilling out of my clothes and practically vowed never to wear anything that touches against my skin at all.  Then I felt they all could see that I am just a fat girl trying to look thinner and it is all a con.  They humor me, while I bulge out of my shirt or such and what I see in the mirror is an illusion.  I often think of the movie Carrie and how people humor each other or say nice things to their faces and mercilessly make fun of them behind their backs.  How paranoid, huh?

I like to watch the Biggest Loser.  It used to really bother me, but after I accept the fact that it is still a tv show and such, I can see past the annoyances and enjoy the transformations and things.  The thing is, I work a lot.  A lot of hours, including nights and weekends.  So, I always watch shows online.  Most networks have their shows online the next day.  I have unfortunately not been able to watch my CBS favorites for a long time, because they have nothing online.  NBC has gotten greedy, selfish, or smart and some of their shows they wait a week to post.  I really do not mind for sitcoms or dramas, but for a reality show it is a pain in the butt.  I try to lalala through any conversations I hear and keep my fingers crossed that the end will not be ruined.  Two days away from finally being able to see the finale and I click this e-mail about soda tax and there is a link that says, “***************** wins the Biggest Loser title”.  Ugh.  Why?  Why not call it like, “The winner of The Biggest Loser tells their story” and then you can click _if_ you want?  Frustrating.  Same basic thing happened last year.  Most of it really does not have to do with the winner, but it still is frustrating going into a show or movie or anything knowing how it ends. 

My six weeks starts tomorrow.  I made a little tracker which sillily enough always helps me.  I am going to be tracking calories, sleep, exercise, and weight.  6 weeks.

Yesterday, something kind of amazing happened.  My boss came up to tell me something and looked at me and was talking about work and then interrupted herself and said something like, “Are you losing weight or something crazy like that?”  She threw me so much that I just blinked and stared and then asked her about the first thing she had said.  I guess it was the way she asked, and the fact that my whole class was right there behind me.  It just was not the time or place to get into it.  Anyway, someone noticed!  Woohoo.  And it only took 42 pounds.  Eesh. 

One of my exes used to get on me all of the time about not being able to accept a compliment.  I realized last night why that is.  When my mother says I look nice, I cringe and say thank you.  You see, all of my life my mother has been complimenting us kids.  “You did really great!”  “You look so pretty!” et cetera.  Now, do not get me wrong, I do not think it is bad to do that for your kids but she was so over-complimentary especially in times which it was not true.  There are times when I may feel pretty or may feel ugly, but there are some things that are just obvious.  “My hair looks so stringy and gross” “Your hair looks beautiful!” “I do not fit into large anymore” “You are so skiiny, you just have broad shoulders” et cetera. 
Anyway, without getting into it too much more, I basically learned that when someone gave you a compliment it was a way to try to make you not see the obvious.  It is kind of like crying wolf.  She did it so much when it was not true, that when it is/was true, it had no impact or believability. 

I have a feeling I am never really going to be able to get past that and take a compliment as a compliment.

I start a new class next week and it is 6 weeks long.  I am very excited to use this time as a mini-goal and see what I can accomplish in 6 weeks.  I should be about 156 when the class starts, so I should be able to hit 150 without too much problem, but I will shoot for 144.  That would be really cool!  I am getting closer to goal, so it might take longer, but I will give it a shot. 

I had this crazy breakdown today.  I mean, I have gotten terribly upset on lots of occasions in the past, but this time was different. 
I have been trying to finish what should have been a 5-10 minute project on and off for almost three weeks now.  Today I was sure I would get it.  When I realized I had done it wrong, yet again, I was mad.  I was upset and wanted to quit and kept telling myself to stop and just finish it.  Just stop and finish it.  Stop being upset just do it.  You had better not quit!  Et cetera.  So I kept pushing and pushing and it never worked and then I am there curled into a ball sobbing with my head between my knees and everything is just spinning around and around away from me.      It is like the stupidest thing in the world.  I feel like my life has spun way out of control.  What a stupid thing to say when there is death and unemployment and disease and addiction and things for others.  But it is how I felt and feel.  The project itself was a bit symbolic for me.  Finishing it would help me really clean up and organize, therefore helping me clean up and organize my life.  Not finishing it, I am just here.  Just here surrounded by my life which is a huge reminder of everything I have done wrong right now, rather than what I have done right. 
I know part of it is the stress of my job.  I was sooooooooooo ready to quit when I got a different position, but it is only temporary.  Then what?  I really do not know if I can handle going back.  I have no skills or education to get a different job, though, and the market is bad.  Then there is the money issue right now.  Even with a lot of extra hours, I am barely making ends meet.  And this is while mooching off of my parents.  I want my own place and it is so, so far away from reality. 
On top of that, my younger sister, who has a terrible work ethic, makes a fortune and does not fret from rubbing it in at every chance.  She bought my mother a crazy $1500 Mother’s Day gift.  I mean, seriously?  It would take me almost three months to even make that much.  It is not that I do not want my sister to do nice things or to have a good life, it is just the fairness of it.  I feel I work so hard and give so much effort at any job I have ever had.  She really, really does not.  So, I am jealous and it is sucky. 

Finally, last night I got a MySpace message from my father.  My father, as in someone I have not seen since I was about 7.  Wanting to “reconnect”.  Ugh.  He was a bad person.  It opens up so many awful memories and things.  It also makes me realize he lives around here and there is always a chance he will go past the internet and just show up here some day or at my job or something.  How terrifying is that? 

Anyway, I guess all that together is what had me sobbing in a ball for a good 8 minutes.  It felt very PMSey, but I just had my period last week.  I guess the good thing is that I got it out while I was alone, but I have a feeling there is more to come. 

The thing is, people have said how much happier I seem lately, and I see it too.  I am wearing some better clothes and feel a bit better about how I look.  I am not as shy as I once was and walk with a smile and a bit of confidence for once.  I do not hate my job as it currently is.  I do not feel the constant self hatred I once did.  I have taken time to come to terms with a lot of my past.  At the same time, though, I am so unhappy with my current situation in life and feel so trapped and so very alone. 

I eat out a lot because I do not have a kitchen.  I usually am very aware of calories and making my choices that way.  Recently, I have become more and more aware of the ridiculous amounts of sodium and wish I had the time/space to cook with fresh ingredients to avoid it.  Anyway, last week I was working late every night and the only place open with hot food was Burger King.    nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn juiiiiiiii  <-cat contribution

Umm, anyway.  I once was a really big Burger King fan, but the prices are kind of stupid and it has been some time since I have been there.  So, all last week, I would think of it and think of it, and figure out a way to justify the cost and calories for some flame-broiled tastiness, but never went.  I could see getting a 400-600 burger and still being hungry before bed, so it was a gamble I did not want to take. 

Today, I wandered over and got 2 mini burger shots.  I should have asked for tomato & lettuce on them, but anyway they were just fine.  Was less than a buck and half for two and it quenched my burger craving.  I am sure they are still pretty bad for you, but much better than a whopper or a double cheeseburger or something.  Craving fulfilled for now.  I do not see making a habit of it, but am still glad I got them.

Has anyone seen the new Lifetime show Cook Yourself Thin?  I am really enjoying it.  You can watch it online for free and the recipes are all there:

http://www.mylifetime.com/on-tv/shows/cook-yourself-thin/video

It is basically a show which shows you how to trick your recipes into better versions of themselves.  I love they include all the calories on the show and in the recipes.  Unfortunately, not anything I can really incorporate into my life right now, but I think a lot of people would like it. 

I have struggled a lot on weekends lately. I just feel hungry and give up calories and just eat whatever. I never feel that way on workdays. Sometimes, I find it hard to get all of my calories in. I never eat at work, so I eat before and after and usually just do not feel hungry. Anyway, tonight after scarfing down garbage, I decided I had better figure this out. Basically, my scale will be high Monday morning and then start dropping down until Saturday morning when it just about matches what it was the week before. Repeat. So, I have not really lost much weight in a long time, because I always make it up by overeating on the weekends. Anyway, after careful consideration, I realized I do not drink water on the weekends. At work, my throat gets dry and we have filtered water coolers, so it is easy to drink 3-4 bottles without thinking about it. At home, though, the tap water is not drinkable and I just do not think about it. If I get thirsty, I will grab some soda or such. Awful! So, I am thinking this has a lot to do with the hunger. I am going to make a distinct effort next weekend to have water with me all weekend. We will see!

I have had a pretty hard weekend. It started with having to go into work on the weekend to correct someone else’s error. I also got a pitiful amount of sleep which amounted to about 18 hours of headaches, grouchiness, irritability, et cetera. I just was miserable to be and miserable to be around. It was sad, because I recognized it but could not stop it. I am also having my period, which never helps my mood.

Instead of taking an hour nap that would have refreshed me and returned me to my weekend, I just stayed it out and could only think of bad things. I thought of how tight my finances are, even with very minimal expenses and very maximum mooching. I thought of how much I would love to get a place of my own and how that is not even 1% feasible anytime in the near future. I guess a few months ago I was thinking I can work more and save and get a raise et cetera, so even thought it was far away, it was still on the page. Now, any savings I had have been depleted from medical costs, I am working almost 50% more hours, and even though I have a new role, did not get a pay increase from it. After taxes and everything, I end up with less at the end of each month then I did three months ago because of insurance. It is frustrating.

I am also so lonely lately. Sure, I want a man. I want someone to hold me and protect me. I want love. But I would settle for a friend. At work someone basically let me know how I come across to others-as someone who does not want to know anyone at work out of work. It is not true, but she was being matter-of-fact and it hurt me so much that I come across that way when I ache for friends.

So, all that being said, I am not happy with my life as a whole right now and feel quite “stuck”. I am still overweight and have not moved the scale much at all in months. My time management and organizational skills are a joke. I never get anything done in a day that I wanted to. I live in a mess. I am living at home, mooching off my family. I have no savings and am barely living within my means, even rent and utility-free. I have no one. Is just a sucky thing as a sum of its parts.
I just need something to break my current stage and work toward the future. I am generally happy lately, though. Just feel stuck right now. Not even depressed, just bored and stuck.