Nadia

I have struggled a lot on weekends lately. I just feel hungry and give up calories and just eat whatever. I never feel that way on workdays. Sometimes, I find it hard to get all of my calories in. I never eat at work, so I eat before and after and usually just do not feel hungry. Anyway, tonight after scarfing down garbage, I decided I had better figure this out. Basically, my scale will be high Monday morning and then start dropping down until Saturday morning when it just about matches what it was the week before. Repeat. So, I have not really lost much weight in a long time, because I always make it up by overeating on the weekends. Anyway, after careful consideration, I realized I do not drink water on the weekends. At work, my throat gets dry and we have filtered water coolers, so it is easy to drink 3-4 bottles without thinking about it. At home, though, the tap water is not drinkable and I just do not think about it. If I get thirsty, I will grab some soda or such. Awful! So, I am thinking this has a lot to do with the hunger. I am going to make a distinct effort next weekend to have water with me all weekend. We will see!

I have had a pretty hard weekend. It started with having to go into work on the weekend to correct someone else’s error. I also got a pitiful amount of sleep which amounted to about 18 hours of headaches, grouchiness, irritability, et cetera. I just was miserable to be and miserable to be around. It was sad, because I recognized it but could not stop it. I am also having my period, which never helps my mood.

Instead of taking an hour nap that would have refreshed me and returned me to my weekend, I just stayed it out and could only think of bad things. I thought of how tight my finances are, even with very minimal expenses and very maximum mooching. I thought of how much I would love to get a place of my own and how that is not even 1% feasible anytime in the near future. I guess a few months ago I was thinking I can work more and save and get a raise et cetera, so even thought it was far away, it was still on the page. Now, any savings I had have been depleted from medical costs, I am working almost 50% more hours, and even though I have a new role, did not get a pay increase from it. After taxes and everything, I end up with less at the end of each month then I did three months ago because of insurance. It is frustrating.

I am also so lonely lately. Sure, I want a man. I want someone to hold me and protect me. I want love. But I would settle for a friend. At work someone basically let me know how I come across to others-as someone who does not want to know anyone at work out of work. It is not true, but she was being matter-of-fact and it hurt me so much that I come across that way when I ache for friends.

So, all that being said, I am not happy with my life as a whole right now and feel quite “stuck”. I am still overweight and have not moved the scale much at all in months. My time management and organizational skills are a joke. I never get anything done in a day that I wanted to. I live in a mess. I am living at home, mooching off my family. I have no savings and am barely living within my means, even rent and utility-free. I have no one. Is just a sucky thing as a sum of its parts.
I just need something to break my current stage and work toward the future. I am generally happy lately, though. Just feel stuck right now. Not even depressed, just bored and stuck.