Nadia

I had this crazy breakdown today.  I mean, I have gotten terribly upset on lots of occasions in the past, but this time was different. 
I have been trying to finish what should have been a 5-10 minute project on and off for almost three weeks now.  Today I was sure I would get it.  When I realized I had done it wrong, yet again, I was mad.  I was upset and wanted to quit and kept telling myself to stop and just finish it.  Just stop and finish it.  Stop being upset just do it.  You had better not quit!  Et cetera.  So I kept pushing and pushing and it never worked and then I am there curled into a ball sobbing with my head between my knees and everything is just spinning around and around away from me.      It is like the stupidest thing in the world.  I feel like my life has spun way out of control.  What a stupid thing to say when there is death and unemployment and disease and addiction and things for others.  But it is how I felt and feel.  The project itself was a bit symbolic for me.  Finishing it would help me really clean up and organize, therefore helping me clean up and organize my life.  Not finishing it, I am just here.  Just here surrounded by my life which is a huge reminder of everything I have done wrong right now, rather than what I have done right. 
I know part of it is the stress of my job.  I was sooooooooooo ready to quit when I got a different position, but it is only temporary.  Then what?  I really do not know if I can handle going back.  I have no skills or education to get a different job, though, and the market is bad.  Then there is the money issue right now.  Even with a lot of extra hours, I am barely making ends meet.  And this is while mooching off of my parents.  I want my own place and it is so, so far away from reality. 
On top of that, my younger sister, who has a terrible work ethic, makes a fortune and does not fret from rubbing it in at every chance.  She bought my mother a crazy $1500 Mother’s Day gift.  I mean, seriously?  It would take me almost three months to even make that much.  It is not that I do not want my sister to do nice things or to have a good life, it is just the fairness of it.  I feel I work so hard and give so much effort at any job I have ever had.  She really, really does not.  So, I am jealous and it is sucky. 

Finally, last night I got a MySpace message from my father.  My father, as in someone I have not seen since I was about 7.  Wanting to “reconnect”.  Ugh.  He was a bad person.  It opens up so many awful memories and things.  It also makes me realize he lives around here and there is always a chance he will go past the internet and just show up here some day or at my job or something.  How terrifying is that? 

Anyway, I guess all that together is what had me sobbing in a ball for a good 8 minutes.  It felt very PMSey, but I just had my period last week.  I guess the good thing is that I got it out while I was alone, but I have a feeling there is more to come. 

The thing is, people have said how much happier I seem lately, and I see it too.  I am wearing some better clothes and feel a bit better about how I look.  I am not as shy as I once was and walk with a smile and a bit of confidence for once.  I do not hate my job as it currently is.  I do not feel the constant self hatred I once did.  I have taken time to come to terms with a lot of my past.  At the same time, though, I am so unhappy with my current situation in life and feel so trapped and so very alone.