Nadia

I am a shy person.  I have always been.  I had a sheltered, abusive childhood, and have a lot of self-esteem issues.  I do not think it would take a psychologist to figure out that I would not grow up to be the most outgoing person around.  Lately, with my temporary change of job at work, I have had to spend a lot of time with managers and such.  The people I usually report to.  This is pretty intimidating to me, but I deal.  Anyway, they mostly are all very professional in the office, but when it comes to just-managers time for meetings and the like, they are very relaxed people.  Which is fine, do not get me wrong.  The problem is, since I am still in an awkward position (above the people who report to them, but still below them), I prefer to maintain professional during the meetings.  Actually, to be quite honest, I would prefer that regardless of level.  Sure, if there is a company softball game or something, relax all you want, but work is work to me.  Anyway, there is one friendly manager who is always joking around trying to get me to loosen up a bit.  No biggie.  Yesterday, though, we are all sitting in this room for way to long waiting for the meeting host, and said manager points out my posture.  I acknowledged him, but basically just gave a half smile and moved on.  Then, as more people came in, he loudly pointed it out to a few of them.  Then later, he said, “Nadia, look at Gabby.  See how she is sitting?”  I looked at Gabby and she was sitting like a slob.  I mean, seriously, why should I model myself off of that??  Since when is good posture a bad thing?  Like I really do not have enough to be self-conscious of!  The stupid thing is, by his attempts of trying to get me to relax, it made me feel much much more scrutinized and uneasy.  The whole meeting, I was so aware of my posture and just wanted to cry and get out of there.  Once or twice is one thing, but come on.  Again, what is so wrong with sitting up straight?? 

The day got worse.  This new class I am teaching just does not like me.  It is a change from my last class, by far.  My last class was very unruly and misbehaved a lot, but by the end of our time together, I would say at least twelve of the fourteen grew to like me and see me as a source of knowledge and a friend.  I talk to almost all of them on a regular basic, even a month later.  This class just sits there and makes fun of me, thinking I can not hear them or something.  I did not really care that much.  I figured if they are learning, it really does not matter what their opinion of me is, and if they band together to hate me, at least they are banding together.  It has been effecting me, though.  I stumble on words and stutter and things which is just more fuel for them.  I feel like a novice with this class.  Last night, one of the guys made fun of me right to me.  I did not hear what he had said, so I said, “Hmm?” and he repeated it back mocking my voice.  I guess it was because of the posture thing earlier in the day, but I just took it very personally.  Like, fine, make fun of me behind my back, but to my face?  I am so glad it is the weekend.  I want to get past this class and still have my job. 

It is nights like yesterday when I get really lonely.  I just want someone to hold me and tell me everything is okay.  But alas. . .