Nadia

I have about a 45 minute drive to and from work. Usually on the way there, I listen to my iPod and on the way home, there is a radio show I catch. When I was driving home Sunday, the radio show was not on, so I just had quiet music playing and my thoughts started being louder. I forget what line of thought started it, but suddenly it hit me. I am 27. 27. Not 25. Not 23. I will not get way into it, because I do not want to insult anyone else my age, older, or younger, but I just suddenly felt like there is no time left. I do not know why I did not catch this closer to my birthday (over 5 months ago), but maybe because I had the car crash right after. Anyway, I can not shake it and it makes me feel awful about the things I have not done and the things I want to do seem harder and less likely now.

Last night, I stayed up watching television for no real reason until 4:30 AM. When I woke, it was late and very rainy and miserable. I woke to my period and terrible cramps, as well. Not a good way to start a day. I was running a bit late, and pulled into the office parking lot with 2 minutes to spare. I pulled down my visor mirror to give my makeup a quick check and noticed a huge spot on my shirt!! How did I not notice it at home? I have no idea. I looked around in a panic. I surely have shirts in my car, but they are all wrinkled. I had used my “backup shirt” Monday and did not think to replace it. So, I counted my losses and called in “late” (from the parking lot!). Then I drove to the store and bought a new shirt. I am so short on cash, but I was pretty much out of choices. Anyway, when I got back to work, I was about 45 minutes late. So, I grabbed my composure and tried to just get in and get started.
What an extra unpleasant surprise on a miserable day to find an e-mail from my supervisor telling me that I am a pushover. Seriously, what kind of term is that to use in a professional environment? I started crying because it surprised me and she wrote it so harshly. Anyway, no one noticed, because who would? so I yanked a little nylon out of my purse, wiped my eyes, and moved on ish. I could not shake it, though. I just wanted to quit. I always want to quit. The problem is, I was so close to quitting and then I got a promotion. I love doing my promotion tasks, but unfortunately I have half that and half the old stuff. And I hate the old stuff so much. It is taking years off of my life, I tell you. If the promotion tasks become the only thing I do, I would gladly stay with the company. If, however, the old stuff is still going to be required for much longer, I really am going to have to quit before I go postal.

I am not sure what to do, though. If I ask my promotion supervisor the future, she is always wishy-washy about it. I want to say, “I need to know your plans for me, because if I have to go back to my old job, I am going to have to start looking for a new job.” but I think that will across as a threat and/or alert them I am not worth any more investment of time. I need to know, because I can not just quit-I definitely do not have the savings to hope for a new job soon. At the same time, if I just start looking for a new job and find one and then find out I will only be doing the promotion side. . . Ugh.

When I started working there I was size 18 and today I wore a Large shirt with size 10 jeans, so at least that is something.

P.S. I am so not a pushover.

Okay, so I have a lady-issue that I am hoping someone on here can give some advice on. Obviously, I am overweight. My chest is not gigantic, but about a C1/2 cup. Anyway, lately I am finding that I often can see the shape of my nipples in the mirror (between the mirror and my chest is a shirt-never anywhere near sheer, an undershirt, and a bra that is actually pretty darn thick). What is the deal? So, I do a lot of presentations at work and keep thinking “they are out there” and that people are staring. I feel like I am talking away and all anyone can hear is, “Look at us! Look down here at us!” like that stain commercial.

Run, run away!

Anyway, I was looking online last night and found recommendations of stuffing with toilet paper and using bandages. I know toilet paper will not do much good, at least for me. So, I tried the bandages today. I used the big ones like for skinned knees and head wounds? (I originally bought them by mistake, thinking they were normal size.) Anyway, other than making my unclothed reflection look like some freaky horror movie where the killer sews skin onto people or something, it seemed to work pretty well but then tonight I noticed it again. Blah. Why are they so stubborn and trying to break through so many layers? What do they want? Anyone else have any ideas they have used?

I got so mad at the Wii today. I woke up really late and when I started what should have been a 30 minute workout, something was off and nothing was registering right. After 20 minutes, I gave up and decided I would do it later. Later, I was too tired. So anyway, I was mad at Wii, but really should be mad at myself for oversleeping. Tomorrow I will get back.

Have any of you caught the show Dance Your A** Off? I never thought I would like shows like The Biggest Loser, Diettribe, et cetera, but I got to liking them a lot. With this show, I hoped I would like it a lot. It started off well, with a decent balance between the dancing and the weight loss aspects. I think one of the major issues with the show is that they started with very overweight people. Unless the show is going to last for a year and a half, I do not think anyone will be at his or her “goal” by the show’s end. That may not be the point, but I like seeing the transformations and endings ending with goals. Also, the contestants seem to have realistic weeks (i.e. 7 day weeks instead of TBL which sometimes has a week of 10 days, 12 days, et cetera), and nothing too intense for exercise, so they lose very realistic amounts of 1-7 pounds a week. While I appreciate the realism, this results in each week having huge people dancing. Maybe I am a biggist, but it grosses me out to see all that skin flapping about. I know they are working to change it, but by week 4 or 5 whatever it is now, I guess I would prefer, as a viewer, to see pairs dancing instead of a chubby person mostly sort of standing there letting their “dancer” partners do most of the work. Is that horrible? Is it just me? If they had started the show with contestants all overweight but not mostly obese, I think it might have helped. Start them with modest clothes and then change the wardrobe from week to week instead of starting them off in terribly revealing things.
Also, I am not a nutritionist by any means, but on an episode tonight, a girl weighing 179 pounds who says she does 2 hours of dance, the gym, and 1 1/2 on the treadmill a day was told to cut her calories to 900 some a day! Is it just me or is that severely dangerous? I think if you were bedridden that would be low. . .
Oh well, I will keep watching it anyway. :-p

So, I looked at an entirely different calculator and it said 1600+ also.  So strange.  Why have I been going off 1300 for so long?  This is still hard to fathom, though.  Seems like way too many calories.

So, I have been doing Wii Active for a week now.  Although the “game” itself has a lot of room for improvement, I really enjoy that it is helping me tone up and the overall idea of it.  The pace it sets gets on my nerves because it can be really slow, but that is what I need for some of them.  I just do not see myself going to the gym and using weights or resistance bands and/or doing that at home, so I am glad it is there. 

I am never in the mood to do it, but knowing that it is saving my progress and effort and stuff makes me go forward.  It helps me keep on track and do it every day (although it builds in 2 rest days a week).  It would be relatively easy to “cheat” the program and not really do much, but I push hard and be certain not to fall into that trap and really work it.  I always feel exhausted at the end of the workouts, even though they are only usually 25 minutes or so.  I have been following the mandatory workouts with mini workouts of things that are fun to me (aka things that do not use the resistance band!).  I know everything I do with the resistance band will pay off later for muscle/tone, but boy do I hate them all!!  Anyway, so I usually do my own cool down of sorts with fun things like boxing, baseball, tennis, volleyball, et cetera. 

 I was disappointed that my weight did not change by even a tenth of a pound after a week of workouts and keeping a close tab on my calories, so it has forced me to reevaluate.  The truth is, I have been using “1300 calories” as my base for a few months now, and when I went back to the calorie needs calculator thingy, I realized that this was listed under “extreme” loss and it says not to really use that number, except as a bare minimum.  Whenever I would end over 1300 for the day, I felt really mad at myself.  But maybe I need to have more calories in the day?  I guess we will see.  I will use the 1696 it states for regular fat loss for a week or so and see what happens.  That feels and sounds like a whole lot of calories to me, though!  

I was never expecting a miracle of 5 pounds a week or something or immediate changes, but a loss of something would be appreciated.  I definitely want to tone up and gain some muscle, but I still have a huge stomach, bingo wings, thighs to kill, and a butt that could double as a shelf.  So, I would enjoy seeing the scale move a bit!   

Days 2 & 3 were pretty rough.  I got kind of mad at it for making me do the “hard” things instead of the “fun” things, but I really need the toning.  I have a tendency to want to do everything very quickly and such, so I am not so great at the whole slowly pull up, hold, release things.  But hey, I did not get it to do things I can already do, so I will learn it and hopefully it will help. 

The one thing I really dislike is there is no stretching at the end.  My arms and legs really could use a “proper” stretching note at the end instead of a “cool down” of running for a minute and walking for eleven seconds. 

 I still like it, though.  I have been following my mandatory workout with a 20-30 minute customized fun one to release my tension toward the game heh.

I have these two beautiful dresses I bought a few days ago.  They fit fine now, but I would like to be a bit more toned in my arms and legs before I wear them.  I want to re-evaluate in about 2 months.

Today I was in a very bad mood and could not shake it.  I ate chips and went over my calories and I did not like them at all.  They made my stomach turn and were just ick.  What a waste.  When I eat incorrectly, I can almost immediately see the top half of my stomach bulge out.  It is pretty gross. 

Well, I got the hard part out of the way early.  I weighed in.  I have been pretty bad and careless lately, and it was reflected.  But, I needed a starting point for the game.  158. 

It went really well, and I did some extra fun stuff afterward.  I think I will really like the game because it has a balance of things I would normally do and things I would not but should.  The audio may get old, but there is always mute.  We shall see.  I was going to put more, but I am dead tired. 

Work ws yicky today.  I went in extra early to be a big help, but it did not seem appreciated.  I brought a small gift to my one boss for her birthday and it seemed to annoy her.  I thought I came up with a cool solution for something and it was shrugged off.  I was basically kicked out of my desk in the middle of a project.  It was just not the best. 

Anyway, what an excellent surprise to come home and find the Wii had arrived (5-7 days earlier than expected!!!)  I barely got to play with it tonight, but did get into Wii Active for about half an hour.  So far it looks like it will be pretty good.  I made a mini workout of walking, boxing, dancing, volleyball, and inline skating to get a feel for it, and I think I will really like it.  We shall see. 

I think Wii Active is a bit more “my style” than Wii Fit would be, but I am going to keep my eye out for it in case a used one goes up for sale around here. 

This week started pretty rough, after a hard weekend.  I thought I was okay for work, but when I went in on Monday, I found that was not so.  My commute is rarely a good thing because it gives me an hour to be alone with my thoughts.  I usually turn the radio on loud so I can not hear them.  Monday, though, I was playing sad songs and when I got to work and went to check my cell phone, there was a wallpaper with my kitty on it.  I kind of forgot because it has been on there for so long, but of course I really noticed it.  Anyway, it was enough to trigger me and I left after a short meeting.  My one boss asked if I was sick because my voice was strained and my eyes red and watered.  I said no.  Then she asked if I was okay and I said no.  That was about it there.  Anyway, I took the rest of the day off and yesterday, too.  I went shopping, which I could not afford at all, got my hair cut, and saw a movie.  It was okay.  Better than work, even if I spent a paycheck.  Living at home, I often feel trapped and feel my weekends off are not necessarily very relaxing, so a day of hookey does me good sometimes.  Work is getting pretty stressful right now because I am doing a few different job functions and have a lot of people with animosity against me, because they applied for the position I have and do not feel I deserve it.  It definitely adds to the pressure. 

My mother decided to get a Wii.  She is getting huge and since her idea of proper diet and exercise is getting off the couch to eat a “low-fat” popsicle, it has always been hard.  I do not want to be preachy to her because I have a ways to go, but at the same time she always complains about how fat she is while eating and snacking and so on.  Anyway, long story short, we are getting a Wii and Wii Active.  I am very excited about it.  I like doing exercise DVDs, but this should be even better because it is more than just aerobic.  It is also something that is not hidden.  Everything I do is hidden, it seems.  I hide myself under my clothes.  I hide my thoughts deep inside.  I hide my finances.  I hide my job title.  I hide my relationships.  Et cetera.  Anyway, no one in my family knows I am actively trying to lose weight, but this I will not have to hide.  Yay.

P.S. When my sister came up for the 4th, she asked how much weight I lost and said she could really tell.  This was a huge thing because sometimes I wonder where the 40+ pounds went and if no one will ever tell.  Oddly, the last time I saw her I weighed almost the same as now, but I was feeling very sick and got incredibly bloated.  Strangely, I have only felt like that twice in recent years (the so bloated that my belt will only go to the nearest hole when normally it goes comfortably to the last with room to spare feeling), and the other time was when she was visiting, too!  Weird.  I wonder if there is a correlation.

The Wii Active has a 30 day challenge, so I will hopefully post about it. 

I had a long week and finally had a whole weekend off. I unfortunately was not looking forward to it because of the company I was expecting. So, I wake up and am going toward the coffee in a morning haze and I look over at my cat and she does not look so good. So I say her name and she does not move. So I grab her up and she is breathing but she feels like she is not there at all. A few hours later, she died in my arms. And it was so hard. So hard. I loved her so much. I barely have anyone in my life, but I have had her for eight years. Through different cities and countries, apartments and houses, boyfriends, marriage, divorce, jobs. . . I loved her so much and she was gone. And then my company was here and I had no time to just sit and cry but that is what I wanted to do. Just cry and cry and cry. Because of the company, I went to a festival on Saturday and I just hated it so much. I am terrified of fireworks and excused myself when they started and just ran and ran. At one point, I tripped on a rock or branch or something but somehow caught myself and just kept running until I was inside a building. I went into the stairway and sat under the stairs with my head in my knees to tune out the fireworks but then all I could think of was my cat and the tears just poured and poured. I feel like a piece of my heart was just ripped right out and it will never make it back. She had been sick for a long time, but this week she seemed to be getting a lot better. Her appetite was crazy good and she was playing with toys like a little kitten. It made it a lot harder because I thought she was better, but I guess it was nice that she had one last hoorah.