Nadia

I have not been doing much lately. The six weeks I was so excited about six weeks ago just came and went with calorie eating during the week and then blowing it during the weekend. Repeat x5. Anyway, nothing gained, nothing lost (except time ). I want to get back on a good track. I went to the Y today, but it feels like it has been forever. I was over it quickly and did not put much effort into my second half. At least I went, I guess.

I think a lot of my lack of motivation per se is lack of funds. I would like to be able to buy fresh things and make meals rather than pick the best calorie meal from the frozen dinners or convenience store, but I just can not afford it if it comes from my pocket.

When I used to live elsewhere, I made a pretty penny. It did not seem like much at the time, but 3-4 years ago it was nearly double base what I have now and with hours and overtime, I do not get in a month now what I made in a week there. I really miss that. I miss not having to sweat the small stuff and feeling fine buying coffee and such. Now, I am at my paycheck’s mercy. The raise I was up for in January was indefinitely postponed because of the economy, and July will probably heed the same results. I have a new role and new position and feel like I am working super hard, but my paycheck just barely covers my car payment and gas. I am mooching off of my parents for food and free rent, but really do not know what I would do without that option. I maybe have $20 at the end of the month, if I am lucky. With the stupid benefits and all the taxes, somehow I get less take home pay now than I did $4/hour less and at least 3 hours less a week ago.? It stinks. I want to save up for a home and a life and contribute. Here I am, though, decent job, promotion, et cetera, and mooch mooch mooch.

A few nights ago I was very down. I was just thinking about how old I am and where I “should” be now and such. It kept me up for hours and drained many tears. When I woke up after a night of self-hatred and self-pity, there was a tornado warning and it ended up touching down very close to my home. It really woke me up to who cares where you are right now as long as you still have a tomorrow!

Anyway, so I am not sulking about what I have not done, but do wish I could come up with something solid for the future.