The Pushover
I have about a 45 minute drive to and from work. Usually on the way there, I listen to my iPod and on the way home, there is a radio show I catch. When I was driving home Sunday, the radio show was not on, so I just had quiet music playing and my thoughts started being louder. I forget what line of thought started it, but suddenly it hit me. I am 27. 27. Not 25. Not 23. I will not get way into it, because I do not want to insult anyone else my age, older, or younger, but I just suddenly felt like there is no time left. I do not know why I did not catch this closer to my birthday (over 5 months ago), but maybe because I had the car crash right after. Anyway, I can not shake it and it makes me feel awful about the things I have not done and the things I want to do seem harder and less likely now.
Last night, I stayed up watching television for no real reason until 4:30 AM. When I woke, it was late and very rainy and miserable. I woke to my period and terrible cramps, as well. Not a good way to start a day. I was running a bit late, and pulled into the office parking lot with 2 minutes to spare. I pulled down my visor mirror to give my makeup a quick check and noticed a huge spot on my shirt!! How did I not notice it at home? I have no idea. I looked around in a panic. I surely have shirts in my car, but they are all wrinkled. I had used my “backup shirt” Monday and did not think to replace it. So, I counted my losses and called in “late” (from the parking lot!). Then I drove to the store and bought a new shirt. I am so short on cash, but I was pretty much out of choices. Anyway, when I got back to work, I was about 45 minutes late. So, I grabbed my composure and tried to just get in and get started.
What an extra unpleasant surprise on a miserable day to find an e-mail from my supervisor telling me that I am a pushover. Seriously, what kind of term is that to use in a professional environment? I started crying because it surprised me and she wrote it so harshly. Anyway, no one noticed, because who would? so I yanked a little nylon out of my purse, wiped my eyes, and moved on ish. I could not shake it, though. I just wanted to quit. I always want to quit. The problem is, I was so close to quitting and then I got a promotion. I love doing my promotion tasks, but unfortunately I have half that and half the old stuff. And I hate the old stuff so much. It is taking years off of my life, I tell you. If the promotion tasks become the only thing I do, I would gladly stay with the company. If, however, the old stuff is still going to be required for much longer, I really am going to have to quit before I go postal.
I am not sure what to do, though. If I ask my promotion supervisor the future, she is always wishy-washy about it. I want to say, “I need to know your plans for me, because if I have to go back to my old job, I am going to have to start looking for a new job.” but I think that will across as a threat and/or alert them I am not worth any more investment of time. I need to know, because I can not just quit-I definitely do not have the savings to hope for a new job soon. At the same time, if I just start looking for a new job and find one and then find out I will only be doing the promotion side. . . Ugh.
When I started working there I was size 18 and today I wore a Large shirt with size 10 jeans, so at least that is something.
P.S. I am so not a pushover.
Perhaps this comment whether fair or not is your door closing and pushing you to find the next opening? Also you can approach your promotion supervisor in a way that expresses interest and commitment to the job and company….maybe go in with that you are really enjoying these new tasks and wanted to know if there was any type of training, etc. that might be a benefit to being more of assistance in this role? Depending on the response you may want to polish up your resume and start looking.
And no age is a limitation. Take it from this old broad who went back to school at 30 to get my associates degreee and at the fermenting age of 43 just completed my bachelors degree with a 3.92 gpa I might add. So don’t sell yourself short. You are capable of doing whatever you desire as long as you BELIEVE IN YOURSELF!!!! Own it and your can do it!
Perhaps this comment whether fair or not is your door closing and pushing you to find the next opening? Also you can approach your promotion supervisor in a way that expresses interest and commitment to the job and company….maybe go in with that you are really enjoying these new tasks and wanted to know if there was any type of training, etc. that might be a benefit to being more of assistance in this role? Depending on the response you may want to polish up your resume and start looking.
And no age is a limitation. Take it from this old broad who went back to school at 30 to get my associates degreee and at the fermenting age of 43 just completed my bachelors degree with a 3.92 gpa I might add. So don’t sell yourself short. You are capable of doing whatever you desire as long as you BELIEVE IN YOURSELF!!!! Own it and your can do it!
OMG, I totally feel you on this one. I’m 27 as well, and the panic is setting in for me. We’re over the 20’s hump, and facing down the barrel of “30″. It puts your world in a whole new perspective, but don’t let it scare you - there’s still SO much to be done and SO much time to do it. Take care of YOU first, above all else, and the rest will fall into place. You’re obviously NOT a pushover if your superiors had confidence enough in you to put you in charge of other greater tasks. Good luck!
I too am 27 and let me tell you, I get it. I made a bucket list (yep because of the movie) and I add to it and look at it a few times a week. It motivated me to do things I want to do, things that make me happy. I make note of the date when I accomplish and make notes if it was fun or not. (Things like: go to a shooting range, quit smoking, take a sushi making class, volunteer, go to Australia, ect). I am making progress and I feels great. You should do one, you can send it to me and I can help. You’ll feel better about life. As for the job thing, work sucks sometimes and thats ok. You gotta decide how to take care of you, work is rarely fun but you shouldn’t be mistreated, thats unacceptable. Your weight loss is wonderful and you are a sucess.!
