Nadia

I had a long week and finally had a whole weekend off. I unfortunately was not looking forward to it because of the company I was expecting. So, I wake up and am going toward the coffee in a morning haze and I look over at my cat and she does not look so good. So I say her name and she does not move. So I grab her up and she is breathing but she feels like she is not there at all. A few hours later, she died in my arms. And it was so hard. So hard. I loved her so much. I barely have anyone in my life, but I have had her for eight years. Through different cities and countries, apartments and houses, boyfriends, marriage, divorce, jobs. . . I loved her so much and she was gone. And then my company was here and I had no time to just sit and cry but that is what I wanted to do. Just cry and cry and cry. Because of the company, I went to a festival on Saturday and I just hated it so much. I am terrified of fireworks and excused myself when they started and just ran and ran. At one point, I tripped on a rock or branch or something but somehow caught myself and just kept running until I was inside a building. I went into the stairway and sat under the stairs with my head in my knees to tune out the fireworks but then all I could think of was my cat and the tears just poured and poured. I feel like a piece of my heart was just ripped right out and it will never make it back. She had been sick for a long time, but this week she seemed to be getting a lot better. Her appetite was crazy good and she was playing with toys like a little kitten. It made it a lot harder because I thought she was better, but I guess it was nice that she had one last hoorah.

Apparently, their is a new rule out that may make it so all chain restaurants have to post calories right on their menus. I really hope this happens. Ignorance is bliss, but it also can be pounds. If I have a choice, I will look everything up online and decide from there, but some chains do not even have nutrition information on their website. And when I consider it a write-off day because visiting relatives take me out to Olive Garden or Cracker Barrel (who does not have any nutritional information anywhere that is provided by them), I would like to at least be able to make the best choice, even if it will take me over my daily allowance. Also, half the time I have it all figured out from online and then I get to the restaurant and that particular item is not there and I panic and try to remember what other things were. Although many restaurants have their calories on a separate brochure, I never ask for one if I am there with other people. I feel it is like someone asking, “Can I have a menu for the really cheap stuff only?”. It is just embarassng and pressuring. I try to let as few people as possible know I am trying to lose weight.

Man, I feel so alone. Tonight at work my team had a big picnic. My manager made sure to tell me about it and ask me to bring her favorite food (which set me back 25$ which sucks). But when it came time for the actual picnic, no one bothered telling me. I mean, I do not eat at work anyway, but they do not know that. I felt so left out. Then I went down to talk to my manager and realized they were in the middle of the picnic and she still did not say anything. I mean, I am hardly working on the team most of the time because of my promotion, but you either want me included or not. It is just bad taste to ask someone to bring something and then not invite them. But, alas, my whole day has been like that. Short responses from people, jokes taken the wrong way, et cetera. Overall grouchiness. You would think it was Monday morning with a broken coffee machine, not Wednesday afternoon. At one point at work tonight, I decided to go basically hide. I went away for two hours and thought for sure I would fall asleep. I got a lot of work done, but lonely work. I am such an outsider, no matter where I am and I hate it.

If I had not just had blood work done and a head scan, I would be sure some level of something was way off with me. My emotions go high and low so much and always mood swingy. It is frustrating and I feel powerless to stop it.

I have not been doing much lately. The six weeks I was so excited about six weeks ago just came and went with calorie eating during the week and then blowing it during the weekend. Repeat x5. Anyway, nothing gained, nothing lost (except time ). I want to get back on a good track. I went to the Y today, but it feels like it has been forever. I was over it quickly and did not put much effort into my second half. At least I went, I guess.

I think a lot of my lack of motivation per se is lack of funds. I would like to be able to buy fresh things and make meals rather than pick the best calorie meal from the frozen dinners or convenience store, but I just can not afford it if it comes from my pocket.

When I used to live elsewhere, I made a pretty penny. It did not seem like much at the time, but 3-4 years ago it was nearly double base what I have now and with hours and overtime, I do not get in a month now what I made in a week there. I really miss that. I miss not having to sweat the small stuff and feeling fine buying coffee and such. Now, I am at my paycheck’s mercy. The raise I was up for in January was indefinitely postponed because of the economy, and July will probably heed the same results. I have a new role and new position and feel like I am working super hard, but my paycheck just barely covers my car payment and gas. I am mooching off of my parents for food and free rent, but really do not know what I would do without that option. I maybe have $20 at the end of the month, if I am lucky. With the stupid benefits and all the taxes, somehow I get less take home pay now than I did $4/hour less and at least 3 hours less a week ago.? It stinks. I want to save up for a home and a life and contribute. Here I am, though, decent job, promotion, et cetera, and mooch mooch mooch.

A few nights ago I was very down. I was just thinking about how old I am and where I “should” be now and such. It kept me up for hours and drained many tears. When I woke up after a night of self-hatred and self-pity, there was a tornado warning and it ended up touching down very close to my home. It really woke me up to who cares where you are right now as long as you still have a tomorrow!

Anyway, so I am not sulking about what I have not done, but do wish I could come up with something solid for the future.

I am a shy person.  I have always been.  I had a sheltered, abusive childhood, and have a lot of self-esteem issues.  I do not think it would take a psychologist to figure out that I would not grow up to be the most outgoing person around.  Lately, with my temporary change of job at work, I have had to spend a lot of time with managers and such.  The people I usually report to.  This is pretty intimidating to me, but I deal.  Anyway, they mostly are all very professional in the office, but when it comes to just-managers time for meetings and the like, they are very relaxed people.  Which is fine, do not get me wrong.  The problem is, since I am still in an awkward position (above the people who report to them, but still below them), I prefer to maintain professional during the meetings.  Actually, to be quite honest, I would prefer that regardless of level.  Sure, if there is a company softball game or something, relax all you want, but work is work to me.  Anyway, there is one friendly manager who is always joking around trying to get me to loosen up a bit.  No biggie.  Yesterday, though, we are all sitting in this room for way to long waiting for the meeting host, and said manager points out my posture.  I acknowledged him, but basically just gave a half smile and moved on.  Then, as more people came in, he loudly pointed it out to a few of them.  Then later, he said, “Nadia, look at Gabby.  See how she is sitting?”  I looked at Gabby and she was sitting like a slob.  I mean, seriously, why should I model myself off of that??  Since when is good posture a bad thing?  Like I really do not have enough to be self-conscious of!  The stupid thing is, by his attempts of trying to get me to relax, it made me feel much much more scrutinized and uneasy.  The whole meeting, I was so aware of my posture and just wanted to cry and get out of there.  Once or twice is one thing, but come on.  Again, what is so wrong with sitting up straight?? 

The day got worse.  This new class I am teaching just does not like me.  It is a change from my last class, by far.  My last class was very unruly and misbehaved a lot, but by the end of our time together, I would say at least twelve of the fourteen grew to like me and see me as a source of knowledge and a friend.  I talk to almost all of them on a regular basic, even a month later.  This class just sits there and makes fun of me, thinking I can not hear them or something.  I did not really care that much.  I figured if they are learning, it really does not matter what their opinion of me is, and if they band together to hate me, at least they are banding together.  It has been effecting me, though.  I stumble on words and stutter and things which is just more fuel for them.  I feel like a novice with this class.  Last night, one of the guys made fun of me right to me.  I did not hear what he had said, so I said, “Hmm?” and he repeated it back mocking my voice.  I guess it was because of the posture thing earlier in the day, but I just took it very personally.  Like, fine, make fun of me behind my back, but to my face?  I am so glad it is the weekend.  I want to get past this class and still have my job. 

It is nights like yesterday when I get really lonely.  I just want someone to hold me and tell me everything is okay.  But alas. . .

Well, I went to the barbecue.  It took a lot of talking myself into it and I almost backed out again and again and again even 5 minutes from the event.

It was not at all like I expected.  I never should have went.  I am glad I went only for the fact that if I had not, I would have had an ideal vision in my head of what it was.  It turned out to be a very very umm relaxed thing.  I am just not the type of person to relax while people I do not know pee onto a tree and things.  It is just not me.  I was uncomfortable for the right reasons.  I did not know anyone there for two hours, so I figured I gave it enough of a try and left.  Right while I was leaving, someone I knew was coming, but I had made my mind up by then.

It was way beyond my comfort zone, but I managed 2 hours which I feel is pretty good.  Unfortunately, I need work on my socializing comfort zone, not my JeffFoxworthyTalkedAboutThis comfort zone, but hey. . .baby steps.

On work days, I have breakfast and then force a dinner when I get home even though I am rarely hungry.  I usually have to be creative to get all of my calories in.  On my days off,  I am just the opposite.  I get so hungry and plan and plan and eat all my calories and then justify eating up to or past maintenance calories.  I guess I am just so busy at work and on my days off I just have time to think about food and it is right there.  Anyway, this weekend I was soooo hungry after I got my calories in and I thought and thought about having about 500 calories and argued for and against it with myself for 2 hours.  Finally, I went to bed and did not eat it.  It was so worth it in the morning when I found I had hit my mini goal!

I had set my mini goal for 154 because of BMI, but apparently I had calculated wrong and need to be 150 before no longer technically being “overweight”.  I can do four pounds.  Very exciting that I am that close.  Hey, it is just a term, but even when I look at the fat on my arms and legs and of course my belly and know that I am not considered overweight anymore, it will be even more motivation to firm up.

I was invited to a barbecue this weekend by a co-worker.   I am not terribly close to said co-worked, but it was nice he included me.  I want to go, because I am terribly anti-social, but do not want to be.  I am scared of it, though.  There will be people I know there and people I do not know, but no “friends”.  I have never been to such a thing by myself.  Should I bring drinks or something?  :(  I am so worried I will end up talking myself out of it.

Yesterday at work, my former boss came over to talk to me and said I looked “skinny” and asked if I was “working on that” or something to that effect.  I thanked her and said yes and left it at that.  I definitely am no where near “skinny” or “thin”, but it was pretty cool she noticed I had lost weight and said something.  Nothing at all from anyone for 40+ pounds, and then 2 in a week.  I think my other boss might have mentioned it to her because of how oddly I had reacted when she had brought it up earlier, though.  Either way, it made me happy and I felt good.  A few hours later, though, I felt like I was spilling out of my clothes and practically vowed never to wear anything that touches against my skin at all.  Then I felt they all could see that I am just a fat girl trying to look thinner and it is all a con.  They humor me, while I bulge out of my shirt or such and what I see in the mirror is an illusion.  I often think of the movie Carrie and how people humor each other or say nice things to their faces and mercilessly make fun of them behind their backs.  How paranoid, huh?

I like to watch the Biggest Loser.  It used to really bother me, but after I accept the fact that it is still a tv show and such, I can see past the annoyances and enjoy the transformations and things.  The thing is, I work a lot.  A lot of hours, including nights and weekends.  So, I always watch shows online.  Most networks have their shows online the next day.  I have unfortunately not been able to watch my CBS favorites for a long time, because they have nothing online.  NBC has gotten greedy, selfish, or smart and some of their shows they wait a week to post.  I really do not mind for sitcoms or dramas, but for a reality show it is a pain in the butt.  I try to lalala through any conversations I hear and keep my fingers crossed that the end will not be ruined.  Two days away from finally being able to see the finale and I click this e-mail about soda tax and there is a link that says, “***************** wins the Biggest Loser title”.  Ugh.  Why?  Why not call it like, “The winner of The Biggest Loser tells their story” and then you can click _if_ you want?  Frustrating.  Same basic thing happened last year.  Most of it really does not have to do with the winner, but it still is frustrating going into a show or movie or anything knowing how it ends. 

My six weeks starts tomorrow.  I made a little tracker which sillily enough always helps me.  I am going to be tracking calories, sleep, exercise, and weight.  6 weeks.

Yesterday, something kind of amazing happened.  My boss came up to tell me something and looked at me and was talking about work and then interrupted herself and said something like, “Are you losing weight or something crazy like that?”  She threw me so much that I just blinked and stared and then asked her about the first thing she had said.  I guess it was the way she asked, and the fact that my whole class was right there behind me.  It just was not the time or place to get into it.  Anyway, someone noticed!  Woohoo.  And it only took 42 pounds.  Eesh. 

One of my exes used to get on me all of the time about not being able to accept a compliment.  I realized last night why that is.  When my mother says I look nice, I cringe and say thank you.  You see, all of my life my mother has been complimenting us kids.  “You did really great!”  “You look so pretty!” et cetera.  Now, do not get me wrong, I do not think it is bad to do that for your kids but she was so over-complimentary especially in times which it was not true.  There are times when I may feel pretty or may feel ugly, but there are some things that are just obvious.  “My hair looks so stringy and gross” “Your hair looks beautiful!” “I do not fit into large anymore” “You are so skiiny, you just have broad shoulders” et cetera. 
Anyway, without getting into it too much more, I basically learned that when someone gave you a compliment it was a way to try to make you not see the obvious.  It is kind of like crying wolf.  She did it so much when it was not true, that when it is/was true, it had no impact or believability. 

I have a feeling I am never really going to be able to get past that and take a compliment as a compliment.

I start a new class next week and it is 6 weeks long.  I am very excited to use this time as a mini-goal and see what I can accomplish in 6 weeks.  I should be about 156 when the class starts, so I should be able to hit 150 without too much problem, but I will shoot for 144.  That would be really cool!  I am getting closer to goal, so it might take longer, but I will give it a shot. 

I had this crazy breakdown today.  I mean, I have gotten terribly upset on lots of occasions in the past, but this time was different. 
I have been trying to finish what should have been a 5-10 minute project on and off for almost three weeks now.  Today I was sure I would get it.  When I realized I had done it wrong, yet again, I was mad.  I was upset and wanted to quit and kept telling myself to stop and just finish it.  Just stop and finish it.  Stop being upset just do it.  You had better not quit!  Et cetera.  So I kept pushing and pushing and it never worked and then I am there curled into a ball sobbing with my head between my knees and everything is just spinning around and around away from me.      It is like the stupidest thing in the world.  I feel like my life has spun way out of control.  What a stupid thing to say when there is death and unemployment and disease and addiction and things for others.  But it is how I felt and feel.  The project itself was a bit symbolic for me.  Finishing it would help me really clean up and organize, therefore helping me clean up and organize my life.  Not finishing it, I am just here.  Just here surrounded by my life which is a huge reminder of everything I have done wrong right now, rather than what I have done right. 
I know part of it is the stress of my job.  I was sooooooooooo ready to quit when I got a different position, but it is only temporary.  Then what?  I really do not know if I can handle going back.  I have no skills or education to get a different job, though, and the market is bad.  Then there is the money issue right now.  Even with a lot of extra hours, I am barely making ends meet.  And this is while mooching off of my parents.  I want my own place and it is so, so far away from reality. 
On top of that, my younger sister, who has a terrible work ethic, makes a fortune and does not fret from rubbing it in at every chance.  She bought my mother a crazy $1500 Mother’s Day gift.  I mean, seriously?  It would take me almost three months to even make that much.  It is not that I do not want my sister to do nice things or to have a good life, it is just the fairness of it.  I feel I work so hard and give so much effort at any job I have ever had.  She really, really does not.  So, I am jealous and it is sucky. 

Finally, last night I got a MySpace message from my father.  My father, as in someone I have not seen since I was about 7.  Wanting to “reconnect”.  Ugh.  He was a bad person.  It opens up so many awful memories and things.  It also makes me realize he lives around here and there is always a chance he will go past the internet and just show up here some day or at my job or something.  How terrifying is that? 

Anyway, I guess all that together is what had me sobbing in a ball for a good 8 minutes.  It felt very PMSey, but I just had my period last week.  I guess the good thing is that I got it out while I was alone, but I have a feeling there is more to come. 

The thing is, people have said how much happier I seem lately, and I see it too.  I am wearing some better clothes and feel a bit better about how I look.  I am not as shy as I once was and walk with a smile and a bit of confidence for once.  I do not hate my job as it currently is.  I do not feel the constant self hatred I once did.  I have taken time to come to terms with a lot of my past.  At the same time, though, I am so unhappy with my current situation in life and feel so trapped and so very alone.